[Earl Narrating] Me and Randy were about to take our very first airplane ride.
Since we aren't big travelers, we weren't sure what to pack, so we packed everything.
We weren't goin'on vacation though.
We were goin'to take care of the most recent item on my list-
got Catalina kicked out of America.
- You see, recently I was on a winnin'streak, gamblin'. - Yeah, Tito!
- No matter what I bet on- - Yeah, buddy!
- I just couldn't lose. - You can't lose, Earl.
But I got so caught up in gamblin'...
I forced Catalina to drive without a license and get pulled over.
She was too worried about her boobs escapin' to make an escape ofher own-
- Let go of me! - and she was deported.
You have to believe me, I am an American.
McDonald's. Disneyland. Jim Belushi!
[Earl Narrating] And because of me, Randy lost his chance...
to finally tell Catalina how he felt about her.
You think Catalina's been robbed, or murdered, or gone out on a date?
Any of those would be my worst nightmare.
But if I had to pick one, I guess I hope she gets robbed.
We'll keep our fingers crossed, Randy, but I wouldn't worry.
I mean, it's her own country. She's gotta have friends down there.
How come you always get to be the Bandit?
'Cause when you're the Bandit, you always cave in...
when the women cry and beg for the lives of their children.
Plus, I have the mustache.
- My mother could be the Bandit. - Shut up, cleaning lady.
- Lots to do today on my list. - You and your stupid list.
Número ochenta y seis:
steal the donkey from a one-legged girl.
You tip over the girl, I'll get the donkey.
My name is Earl.
[Earl Narrating] Since the drawstring handles on Randy's luggage had already broken...
and I didn't want the same thing to happen to mine...
we decided to get a proper suitcase.
Unfortunately, my ex-wife still had mine.
Listen, Joy, I need to get that suitcase my dad gave me for my 18th birthday.
We don't have time, so I don't want to fight about it.
Lemonade? It's pink flavor.
- What'd you do to it? - Oh, sweetie pants.
The world is filled with sunshine and pink lemonade if you just learn to trust people.
I'll get the suitcase.
Oh, and, Randy, I made a gingerbread house this morning.
You can nibble on the roof if you want.
- Hey, fellas. - Hey, Crabman. What's up with Joy?
Her lady lawyer put her on some prescription medication...
to make sure she doesn't lose her temper in court.
You know how sometimes people say, "Take a chill pill"? Joy did.
I wish she was taking those pills back when you were married to her.
Me too. All she ever took back then was cough syrup and strawberry wine.
It made her horny for 10 minutes, then she'd just get pissed.
If I wasn't quick enough in bed, I'd get punched in the junk.
Yeah, when it gets towards nine minutes, I try to get behind her.
Is that George Clooney standin' in my livin' room?
Randy, your hair looks great.
Are you doin' somethin' different, like the movie stars do?
I slept on my left side instead of my right.
And then in the morning, it was itchy back here, so I did this.
Hmm. Well, it is workin' for you, sugar butt.
I tell ya, if there was a Perfect 10 magazine for ex-brother-in-laws...
I'd put you on the cover.
- Suitcase! Suitcase. - [Claps Hands]
Man, those are some powerful pills.
Yeah. Unfortunately, Mr. Turtle got ahold of one.
I have to keep flipping him.
[Earl Narrating] We finally made it to the airport.
And it turns out airport people ask a lot more questions than bus people.
- How many individuals are flying? - Two.
- When would you like to depart? - Well, whenever's good for the pilot.
I mean, we're ready to go now, but whenever the pilot's ready to go.
[Woman On P.A.] TransGlobal Flight 53-
- Would you like a window seat or an aisle seat? - I want a chair seat.
Either one's fine.
- Passports? - Past sports? Hmm.
Uh, played a little baseball and some soccer as a kid-
No, sir, to leave the country, you both need passports.
- Identification. - Oh, passports.
I think you only need those if you're a foreigner. We're American.
[Earl Narrating] Turns out even Americans need passports.
So we went to the passport office...
where we filled out a few forms and got our pictures taken.
[Shutter Clicking, Bulb Popping]
And they only had one requirement when you get your picture taken:
you had to keep your eyes open...
which I could never seem to do.
- Come on, Earl. - I'm tryin', Randy.
[Exhales]
[Earl Narrating] Then Randy had an idea.
Perfect.
Hmm. Your eyes are brown. They look green in this picture.
Uh, yeah, l-I recently had a double eye transplant. They're from a pig.
Uh, they tried to find one with green eyes, but...
well, unfortunately, they save those for famous people.
Okeydokey.
[Earl Narrating] While me and Randy were havin'trouble gettin'to Catalina's village...
she was havin'trouble gettin'used to life back at home.
- Why are you taping that old lady to a chair? - I kidnapped my friend's mother.
He's sick of living with her, so I'm going to make her smoke cigarettes until she dies.
This is the cruelest, most unjustified kidnapping I have ever seen.
- How many have you seen? - Six or so.
Hmm.
- [Man On P.A.] Please do not leave luggage unattended. - [Man] All right, sir.
Why is everyone takin' their shoes off?
They have to make sure there aren't explosives in them.
- Explosives? - Yeah. It's happened.
- Hey! - Whew.
Sir, come with me, please.
Hey, Earl, throw your shoes. If they don't blow up, you get to go to the front of the line.
[Guard] Wait, sir.
[Earl Narrating] The good thing about goin'your whole life...
without ever having flown on an airplane...
is everything is new to you.
Hey, Earl. Sky Mall! There's a mall in the sky.
If this plane stops there, I want to get Catalina one of these hot dog cookers...
that cooks the buns and the wieners at the same time.
It doesn't say it's the perfect gift for the love of your life, but obviously it is.
[Earl Narrating] I'd always wondered how a big airplane like this could fly.
Turns out the ushers had their doubts too.
In the event of an emergency evacuation...
please calmly make your way to the emergency exit nearest you.
Also make sure all carry-on items are stowed securely.
Damn. [Clears Throat]
Uh, sorry to bother you, sir, but it seems that our row...
is exactly in the middle of the two emergency exits.
So, uh, we should decide now...
who should go to the front and who should go to the back if we have to get out of here.
Sure. We'll go to the front.
- [Clears Throat] Uh, listen, is-is-is- - We'll go to the back.
Good, 'cause I already had it in my head that way. And you'll tell her, right?
[Flight Attendant] Cell phones and laptops.
And in the event of an emergency water landing...
your seat may be used as a floatation device.
Um, excuse me, ma'am.
You- You just said my seat "may be'" used as a floatation device.
Is that "may be" as in "can be"...
or " maybe," like " maybe yours will or maybe yours won't"?
'Cause I didn't ask for a floatin' seat.
- l- I would have, but that wasn't one of the choices. - All the seats float, sir.
And if there's a crash on land, will these seat cushions break our fall?
Earl, be quiet. You're gonna get us thrown out.
And in the event that the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling.
Uh, that's it. No, thank you.
- This is my stop. - Earl!
You might try sprinklin' in a few stories about what happens...
in the event the plane doesn't crash.
[Earl Narrating] Since it turned out planes scare the crap outta me...
I was lookin'into other ways of gettin'to Catalina.
We can take a bus for the first 13 days, then it looks like it's all donkey from there.
- Donkeys can swim, right? - Hey, you guys back from Catalina's already?
We didn't go. Someone was afraid to fly.
Someone whose name rhymes with "girl," as in sissy girl who wears flannel shirts.
Do you still need more hints? Because it's Earl.
Look, I just don't understand how somethin' that big can stay in the air.
- Wings don't even flap. - Earl, it's okay to be afraid.
Fear is just your feelings askin' for a hug.
- I like the new Joy. - I don't.
I mean, I still enjoy her old hotness, but newJoy doesn't have any fight in her.
Those pills make her like... Finland.
I didn't fall in love with Finland, Earl.
[Earl Narrating] There was a reason Darnell was missin'Joy's fight.
Their new neighbors wanted a bigger front yard...
so they parked their double-wide closer toJoy and Darnell.
- Honey, we're outta toilet paper. - [Earl Narrating] Too close.
Well, go to the store and get some!
I can't really do that right now!
Well, neither can I. I'm paintin' the coffee stains outta the mugs.
Aren't you gonna do somethin'?
Of course I am.
Here you go, sweetheart.
Be careful. They have bleach in 'em, so they might burn a little.
[Bell Dings]
Hey, wait. If there's a pill that can makeJoy not mean...
I bet there's a pill that can make you not a sissy.
Maybe I can break it up and put it in your applesauce.
Shoot, why'd I tell you that? I know. I'll just squish it in a banana.
Damn it, I did it again. Now I'm runnin' outta fruits.
Randy, I can swallow a pill whole.
No, I want to sneak it to you in somethin'.
I hope the pill is small, because I know how you love blueberries.
Crap!
[Earl Narrating] So to get the pills, we went to the only doctor we knew.
So Earl, Randy, uh...
says here that I haven't seen you boys since you were 10.
Well, you know, you get busy.
I haven't been seein' another doctor, if that's what you're worried about.
Do you still give out lollipops?
On the way out, if you're good.
So, Earl, I see you have some anxiety about flying.
Well, actually more about crashin'. Crashin' and dyin'.
I can write you up a prescription for a sedative that should help you.
Now, since you're going to Latin America, I assume you've had your inoculations.
Here we go with the upsell.
Come on now. You want to make sure you don't get any diseases.
- I'll just give you one shot. - No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, thank you, Doc. I don't like needles.
I'll just get whatever diseases they have down there. I'm fine with that.
Just get the shot, Earl. Don't be a wuss.
I'm not a wuss, Randy. I just don't think I need-
Oop! That's a sharp one.
Earl, the love of my life is down there.
Plus, she's on your list. You gotta do this.
Why do I have to get the shot?
They got the diseases down there. How come they all can't get shots?
Fine. Do whatever you want.
I'm sorry, Randy. I just think there's other ways we can-
[Screams] Son of a bitch! How did I not see that comin'?
[Earl Narrating] So I took the pills...
and me and Randy headed back to the airport to get on the plane.
- But I was already flyin'. - Whoo! Check it!
[Earl Narrating] Yeah, these pills were somethin'else. I liked 'em.
And as the plane was about to take off...
I left the wild ridin'-the-suitcase-while- screamin'-at-strangers phase...
and entered the calm sleepin'-in-my-seat- and-droolin'-on-my-shirt phase.
- Man, those pills are great. - Yeah, you've been asleep for hours.
I know. They knocked me out just before we took off and wore off right after we landed.
- That's the way to fly, Randy. - Oh, we haven't flown yet.
- But you just said I was out for hours. - You were.
But we've been sittin' on the runway the whole time.
- Somethin' about mechanical difficulties. - Mechanical difficulties?
Yeah, there was a bright flash, and I heard somebody scream.
They gave us animal crackers. I ate yours.
Randy?
I think we're takin' off now. They probably fixed it.
Give me the pills, Randy. I need more pills.
They're in the suitcase, and the lady said it was under the plane.
But every time I open the door lookin' for the stairs, all I find is a teeny tiny bathroom.
Let me off! Stop the plane! Back it up!
No! Earl, you're not supposed to stand up during takeoff.
Those ladies did a whole play about it.
- Earl! - Hold it!
Sir, we're in the air. I can't let you off the plane this time.
I'll let myself off. I know where the emergency exits are.
Sir, don't make me do this.
[Screams]
- [Grunts] - Ouch! Get the straps! We've got a biter!
[Earl Narrating] While I was strugglin' because I couldn't take my pills...
Darnell was strugglin' 'causeJoy was still taking hers.
[Phone Ringing]
- Telephone! - What?
- Telephone! - Let the machine pick it up!
[Answering Machine Clicks]
[Man, Woman] You've reached David and Tina Hays. Leave a message. Ciao.
- [Answering Machine Beeps] - [Woman On Phone] Hello? Hello?
It's your grandmother. Are you home? Pick up!
I wanted to check on Christmas plans.
I could come there, but you'd have to come pick me up.
I could get Lucille to drive me, unless you're serving alcohol.
Are you serving alcohol?
If you are, I can't have Lucille drive me...
because that drive home on Thanksgiving was terrifying.
- Are you gonna do something about this? - Terrifying, I tell you.
- I guess I'll have to. - It was horrible!
And is your husband's brother going to be there?
Ryan, is it? He is just-
Hello, people next door's grandma. Don't worry about a thing.
We'll pick you up and bring you over for Christmas.
You're gonna have to do it though. I'm not supposed to drive on these pills.
[Earl Narrating] After bein'tied up on an airplane for eight hours...
I was happy to walk on solid ground.
Which was good, 'cause we had about two miles of it on the way to the bus station.
Catalina's village is a five hour bus ride...
and we have to get on the bus now 'cause it's leavin' soon.
Okay. I just gotta get somethin' to eat first.
- No, Earl, we don't have time. - But there's tacos, Randy.
You know how I feel about tacos.
It's the only food shaped like a smile. A beef smile. I'm goin'.
No, Earl. There won't be another bus goin' to Catalina's village until tomorrow...
so we have to get on that one.
- We can eat when we get there. - That's easy for you to say. You got to eat on the plane.
[Muffled] Put it down!
I'm sorry, Randy. I gotta get somethin' to eat.
No, Earl, I can't let you do that.
Um, I wasn't askin' for your permission, Randy.
Um, I wasn't askin' if you were askin', Earl.
- We're not missin' that bus just so you can get a taco. - You're right, Randy.
I'm gonna get two tacos and maybe some of that freaky white soda they got.
- Uh, excuse-o, por favor. - Ande.
Uh, is this the end-o of the line? [Grunts]
[Both Grunting]
[Shouts] Let go, Randy!
- Not until you get on the bus! - [Grunts]
- Quit dragging your feet, Earl. This'll go a lot easier. - I want a taco!
[Screams] You bit me!
- Sorry, Randy. It had to be done. - Fine! I give up.
You can have your stupid taco.
When we get to Catalina's village!
- Let go! - No!
- You're splittin' me! - Then put me down!
- No! - [Grunts]
Randy, I'm gettin' a taco!
[Screams] Damn it, Randy! Now I'm hungry and blind!
You're being such a baby! You've been complainin' the whole trip.
"Waah, waah, waah. I'm afraid to fly. I don't like needles.
I'm hungry and blind."
- Sorry, senor. - Ow!
You hungry, baby? You want a bottle?
Here. Have your bottle, baby.
- Randy, stop it! Randy, stop it! - [Baby Crying]
- No. Have your bottle, baby. - Randy, I'm serious.
- If you don't let go, I'm gonna kill you, I swear! - Have your bottle, baby.
- That's gross! - We're gettin' on the bus.
I want my taco! Ow! Not the 'stache! Not the 'stache!
- Not the 'stache! Not the 'stache! - Drive.
- Don't drive! - Drive!
- Why you bein' such a jerk? - You're the one being the jerk.
You got Catalina deported...
and now you're about to let some stupid taco cost me the love of my life!
Here we go again. The love of your life.
- Like you really have a chance with her. - [Passengers] Aww!
[Muttering In Spanish]
He started it.
I know the word on the bus is I'm the jerk...
but there was a whole lot of stuff that happened outside.
Is my mustache even? 'Cause that's somethin' he did. He yanked on it.
No, thanks.
You know what? Actually, I'm starvin'. I think I will take a bite.
Thank you.
Mmm. Looks like a Slim Jim, tastes like a doughnut.
That's brilliant. Can't believe you guys are so poor.
[Speaking Spanish]
Oh, this is gonna be great. My brother's freaked out by birds.
[Earl Narrating] Randy's been terrified ofbirds his whole life.
- [Clucking] - Little ones, big ones.
Even those talkin'ones people keep as pets.
Hey, Earl, did you see what that stupid bird- [Screams]
You know how when you let go of the end of a balloon...
and it goes flyin' around the room makin' a squealy noise?
Well, you're about to see a grown man do the same thing.
[Earl Narrating] So I sat back and waited...
for the Randy balloon to start flyin'.
- [Chicken Clucking] - But it never did.
He was sittin'face to beak with an upside down chicken...
and he didn't even flinch.
He was so focused on gettin'back the woman he loved, he wasn't scared of anything.
Not the bird, not the shots, not the airplane...
not even kickin'my ass.
That's when I realized, if Randy's love for Catalina was that strong...
he could make anything possible.
So who was I to say he didn't have a chance?
You know what? He was right.
I have been a baby and a screwup.
He's been the one that's kept it together and figured out how to get everything done.
[Speaking Spanish]
Yeah, you're right. Maybe that's why I yelled at him.
I don't like bein' the one who screws up.
[Spanish]
Exactly.
I couldn't handle feelin' like a loser, so I was tryin' to make him feel like one.
You know what? I gotta tell him I'm sorry.
And from now on, if he can be brave and keep it together...
I can be brave and keep it together.
Gracias.
[Spanish]
You, gringo, off the bus.
[Earl Narrating] But my apology and bravery would have to wait.
Oh! Not the 'stache! Not the 'stache! Not the 'stache!
[Earl Narrating] 'Cause Randy was so focused on gettin'back the woman he loved...
he also didn't notice his brother gettin'kidnapped.
I would've yelled "I 'm sorry'"...
but there's a time to apologize and there's a time to keep your mouth shut...
and hope that the two crazy Latino dudes with guns don't shoot you.
Uh, if you guys are gonna kill me, I have a brother that you might run into.
Could you please tell him I'm sorry for all the stuff I said...
and that I'm the one who ran over Crackers?
Crackers was our cat.
I guess I can apologize to Crackers after you kill me.
- [Horn Honking] - He's here.
Wait till he sees we have a gringo here.
[Honking Continues]
[Earl Narrating] Turns out their boss, Diego, had a real strong feeling about America.
At least what he knew about it from TV before his satellite broke...
in 1988.
Hey. Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?
[Earl] Catalina always talked about how scary and superstitious her village was.
While I was learnin'about the scary, Randy was learnin'about the superstitious.
Excuse me. You mind if I take those flowers and that sandwich?
Normally, I'd ask my brother if it was all right, but I don't know where he is.
No, please. Take whatever.
Thanks. I need 'em 'cause I'm tracking down the love of my life...
and the plane I was on didn't stop at Sky Mall.
Those things that you hold are from our shrine...
dedicated to our son, Manuel, may he rest in peace.
The sandwich isn't what killed him, is it?
No, it was a scooter.
The charity that dropped off toys that year didn't send helmets.
Whoever eats the sandwich from the sacred shrine...
now carries the soul of the deceased inside him.
As the keeper of our son's soul...
you must come with us to our home so we can have one final evening with our son...
an evening we never had.
I'm sorry I swallowed your son. I can throw him up, if you want me to.
But right now I'm busy lookin' for my friend Catalina.
Catalina from America?
You know her?
Catalina with the beautiful olive skin...
and silky hair that drapes around her creamy shoulders...
and comes to rest on her first-class ample bosoms.
Jesus! Yes, we know her.
And I will take you to her...
if you will give us one more night with our son.
I'll be your son for the night.
But I have a white mom back in America, and she can never find out about this.
[Earl Narrating] Back at home, Darnell was havin'trouble ofhis own.
His neighbors had parked their house too close...
and, well, Joy wouldn't do anything about it...
'cause her deaflawyer put her on happy pills to control her anger.
Can we at least shut the window when they're running the dryer?
I like it. Feels like I'm bein' kissed by a thousand little bunnies.
Joy, I'm serious. There's little pieces of clothes in my apple brown betty.
Why don't you just take your little apple brown buns there and tell 'em how you feel?
I tried. But you know bein' in the Witness Protection Program makes me uneasy.
I don't like it when strangers ask too many questions.
[Spits]
I brought these for you, and I wanted to ask you a favor. Can you please-
- What are they? - Lemon squares.
- Is that powdered sugar on top? - Yes.
Did you make 'em yourself?
My name is Darnell Turner, and that's all it's ever been.
I just hope they give us back our plate.
Oh, Darnell, just let 'em keep it.
What good is a plate if you can't share it with your neighbor?
Joy, are you even in there?
[Rattling]
Ow! I just got hit by a hot penny.
[Earl Narrating] Diego liked my American jeans so much, he took 'em.
You're a drug dealer, aren't you?
- Uh, no, I'm not even a drug user. - So what are you then?
A roadie tryin' to score drugs for a rock band? I seen it all.
You tell Billy Idol he's not gonna get his white wedding from here.
Look, I'm not a drug guy. I'm just lookin' for my friend Catalina.
Catalina? What's her last name?
Uh, I don't know. It's, uh- It's somethin' Latin-y.
Uh, it ends in "ez" or "illa." Tortilla?
You're here to help your friend Catalina Tortilla?
Uh, th-that might not be it, but she is my friend.
Pretty, long dark hair. Uh, loves to dance.
- A lot of jumpin'. - Catalina!
Catalina's my niece. Why didn't you say so?
[Snapping Fingers]
What a small world after all.
- You're her friend, and Mario's her little brother. - Nice to meet you.
All right. We'll take you to see Catalina. First, we gotta run a few errands.
Uh, they're not dangerous, are they?
- [Gunshots] - [Woman Screaming]
[Gunshots Continue]
- [Gunshots] - [Man Shouts]
[Earl Narrating] I've been involved in a lot of crimes in my life...
but this was my first time as an unarmed hostage in a third world country.
[Man Shouting In Spanish]
Oh, man, they weren't lying. It was the wrong address.
- Let's send them a ham. - Spiral cut?
Were you in there? Yes, spiral cut.
[Earl Narrating] I knew karma wanted me to find Catalina and bring her back...
but I also knew it didn't want me to help murder some poor guy...
- just 'cause he was late on his goat payments. - I can't do this.
Why not? He's a little guy, so you don't have to dig so deep.
I'm sorry, but I can't help you do bad stuff.
If I do, I gotta put it on my list...
and I don't want to get on another plane and come down here and make up for it.
Hey, list-What list?
It's a list of everything bad I've done. Gettin' Catalina deported's on there.
That's why I gotta bring her back. I gotta cross her off.
And who made you write this list? Your president, Señor Reagan?
No one made me do it. I did it on my own, after I learned about karma.
[Earl Narrating] So I took a shot and told Diego everything I knew about karma.
I told him about how I was tryin'to make up...
for all the bad things I've done, one by one.
So you say you learned about karma on American TV, huh?
[Earl Narrating] That's when I knew I had him.
All right. All right, I'll try it.
Even though you owe me a lot of money, I will no longer kill you.
- Instead, the new Diego will kill your wife. - No, no!
- Your children. - Nope.
- Okay, what then? - How about a payment plan?
I choose that one.
[Earl Narrating] While I was making Diego understand karma...
Randy was trying to understand what it meant to be a dead son.
Did you enjoy the flan?
You mean the yellow slimy stuff I took one bite of and spit back out?
It was okay.
- So what now? - You know.
- I do? - Come on, Manuel.
- It is the same as every night. - More flan?
Tickle fiesta!
[Giggling]
Stop! I'm gonna pee!
Let yourself go, my son. It's a dirt floor.
[Earl Narrating] Seein'Catalina was gonna have to wait.
As bad as Diego was, there were worse bandidos in the area...
and he had to keep watch and protect the village from 'em.
No, ALF was from the planet Melmac. He's an alien.
- I thought he was a monkey. - A monkey? No, he ate cats.
- Why would a monkey eat a cat? - Your monkey ate my cat.
Fine. But at least my monkey wasn't sarcastic and cracking jokes all the time.
[Earl Narrating] All that talk about monkeys at bedtime made me think of Randy.
I didn't know where he was, but I sure hoped he was okay.
Hey, Earl.
Yeah, Randy?
Do you think when everybody dies, they come back as a sandwich?
I don't know, Randy. Maybe.
After I die, if you ever see a peanut butter and bologna sandwich...
eat it, because that's me.
Okay.
Earl?
Yeah, Randy?
Do you miss me?
Yeah, Randy, I do.
I miss you too, Earl.
- Cold? - Sí, mami.
[Earl Narrating] Randy wasn't the only one havin'a hard time sleepin'.
Darnell found the neighbors' motion detector hard to ignore.
[Electrical Buzzing]
[Earl Narrating] The next morning, Diego finally brought me to Catalina's village.
I thought the villagers would be surprised to see a pantless American...
but they were more surprised to see a friendly Diego.
[Man Shouting In Spanish]
Ooh, tacos. Uh, do you think I can get my wallet back?
Uh, maybe- maybe with my pants?
Yeah, of course. How rude of me.
You stay here, get some tacos. I'll go get Catalina.
[Zipper Unzipping]
[Earl Narrating] I was excited about gettin'my pants back.
Between the cold air and the giant mosquitoes, I had missed them quite a bit.
But then I saw somethin' I had missed even more.
- Randy! - Earl!
- You're okay! - I'm okay.
- Mami, papi, this is my brother, Earl. - Ah, my stepson.
Oh, I ate the soul of their dead child.
If you see one layin' around, grab it.
Tastes just like a sandwich, and you get to have tickle fights and pee on the floor.
Sounds great, Randy.
I was dragged off the bus before I got to tell you this, but I'm sorry.
You're right. l-I was actin' like a baby.
Who am I to say you don't have a chance with Catalina?
In fact, her uncle just went to get her.
What? I can't see her dressed like this.
- You look cute. - I don't want to look cute, mami.
I want to look like a hero. A big, sexy hero from America that came to save her.
- Mi hijo. - Stay out of my life, mami!
- Teenagers. - Yeah, those are the rough years.
Thank you so much.
No problem. And again, sorry about fartin' on your lap, buddy.
It wasn't your fault. Maria shouldn't have tickled you so hard.
- Earl! - Catalina!
I can't believe you came all this way to get me.
Well, it was my fault you got sent down here in the first place.
- I forgive you. I forgive you. And yes, I will marry you! - What?
When my uncle told me you will marry me so I could get my green card, I couldn't believe it.
- He told you that? - What? I'm sorry. Did you want it to be a surprise?
No, it still feels like a surprise.
You are a true friend, Earl. Thank you so, so much.
- I didn't know how I was gonna get back. - Aww.
It's beautiful. It's beautiful. You mess things up, you fix it. It's karma. Look at that.
I'm proud to have worn your pants for 14 hours.
Randy!
[Laughing]
- I am so happy! - Me too.
- Are you gonna be the best man? - Best I can be.
No, Earl's best man, at the wedding.
Who's Earl marrying?
Me, silly. Isn't it amazing? He is my hero.
[Grunts]
[Earl] While Catalina and Diego were off preparin'my third unplanned wedding...
I was tryin'to find Randy, whose feelings I'd accidentally hurt... again.
Randy? Randy!
[Exhales]
Look, Randy, it wasn't my fault.
Diego thought that was the plan.
She's my friend. What was I supposed to do?
Oh, yeah? Well, if you like her so much, why don't you marry her?
Oh, wait, you are. Walk with me, Pedro.
Look, it all happened too fast, Randy.
She was so happy, she started huggin' me.
She was supposed to be huggin' me. This was my chance to be a hero, and you stole it.
Randy, you-you can still be the hero.
We'll switch, and you can be the one who marries her.
No! For me to have a chance, it needed to be perfect, Earl.
I needed to come in, save the day and sweep her off her feet.
Now I'm just gonna look pathetic and weird...
and I don't want to look pathetic and weird.
[Earl Narrating] While I tried to find a way to get through to Randy...
Darnell was just tryin' to get through the day.
Tina, how much if I can get this cupcake in the trash can from here?
Five bucks says you miss.
I'll split that cupcake with you, cupcake.
Joy, I need the old you back!
I'm yin, you're yang. Yin is nice, yang's a bitch!
This house doesn't work without yang!
[Earl Narrating] Nothin'Darnell said could snapJoy out ofher drug-induced happiness.
- But somethin'eventually did. - Beer can!
Oh, snappity-snap-snap-snap!
Excuse me.
We haven't officially met, but I'm Joy Turner from the trailer next door.
I passed you those bleach wipes for your fanny hole.
- Hope it didn't take any skin off. - A little.
Good. Listen, now I know on the outside I look like a real sweetie sweetheart...
but trust me, on the inside I'm a hundred percent bitch.
I even have a T-shirt that says it. Got it for a Mother's Day present.
Anyway, here's the thing.
My lawyer's got me takin' these happy pills to control my anger.
But since you just used my baby boy's head as a backboard...
for your little trash can basketball game...
I'm gonna stop taking 'em and come back in three days when the happy wears off.
[Gasps] Look at that! A real tree.
[Laughing]
[Sniffs] Mmm! I love the smell of it.
- [Sniffs] Love it! - [Nervous Chuckle]
Anyhoo, when these pills wear off, I don't know exactly what's gonna happen...
but I imagine it'll involve this beer can breakin' out your teeth...
your wife screamin' at me to stop kickin' you...
and your children cryin' after they see what I've done to your face.
Heck, I might even rip off one of your ears and make it into a little coin purse.
Okay, then, so I'll be back in three days...
to give you that Christmas ass-kickin' I promised...
unless you decide that now would be a good time to move this trailer.
- It's a good time to move our trailer. - Oh, that is fantastic news.
And I'm sorry, but that little Santa over there shakin'his tushy is absolutely adorable.
Uh, take him.
Really?
[Giggling]
[Earl Narrating] Even though this was just a green card wedding...
Catalina's village still followed all the town's traditions.
You see, this symbolizes how beautiful and admired a bride should be.
- [Yelps] - [Crowd Cheering]
- And that's to remind her not to get too full of herself. - Seems weird.
Oh, yeah? And throwing rice at people makes a lot of sense, huh?
Wait till you see what you have to do.
In our little village, before a man is allowed to marry a woman...
he has to pass three simple tests.
- The first is to cross this beam without falling. - Sure, that makes sense.
Uh, excuse me a second. I need to borrow my brother's shoes.
They have better traction for crossin' beams.
- What are you doin'? - Just switch shoes with me and listen.
Randy, this is your chance to be a hero.
All I have to do is fail the test, then you can save the day.
That's a great idea, Earl.
And then after this, let's never travel again.
All righty, now that you got the proper footwear...
I can tell you that this plank represents the straight and narrow path...
that you, as a husband, must follow.
- Okay, bring on the leeches! - The what?
Leeches. They represent- I don't know- hookers and stuff.
Just don't fall in. Hit it.
[Mouthing Word]
[Earl] I really wanted to stay up on that plank and away from those leeches a whole lot...
but not as much as I wanted Randy to be happy.
Damn it.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoopsie-daisy!
[Screaming]
Things are sucking my face! Things are sucking my face!
- That's okay. I can, uh- - [Diego] No. Wait, wait, Earl.
You know what? The old me would've said one and done, right?
But karma says two out of three! To the hot coals!
- Yeah! - [Crowd Cheering]
[Earl Narrating] To give Randy his shot, I planned on steppin'on the hot coals...
and then steppin'right back off.
What I didn't plan on was how hard it is to change direction on hot coals.
[Crowd Groans]
It burned like hell, but at least Randy was gonna be able to step in and be the hero.
I'm sorry, Catalina. I guess I'm just not-
Earl, this is your lucky day.
- One out of three? - To the field of rakes!
[Cheering]
[Earl Narrating] Diego said somethin' about the field of rakes...
representin'the careful dance of talkin'about your wife's weight.
But for me, it represented the last chance to help Randy.
- [Grunts] - [Crowd Groans]
Okay, that's it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Catalina.
I gave him several chances, and he just keeps proving himself not worthy.
But how am I supposed to get back to America?
Catalina?
- Can I try and marry you? - You would do that?
To the pit of leeches!
[Crowd Cheering]
[Earl Narrating] I was a little worried about Randy walkin'on that thin plank...
'cause I had seen him fall off sidewalks before.
But if it meant rescuin'Catalina, he could've danced on the head of a pin.
[Crowd Exclaiming]
- [Cheering] - Wow.
[Earl Narrating] And watchin'Randy cross those hot coals...
I realized he probably wouldn't have failed gym class...
- if Catalina had gone to our high school. - [Cheering]
Everything was goin'great for Randy.
[Crowd Shouting]
And even when it didn't go great, nothin'stopped him.
Yea!
I did it! I did it!
[Crowd Groans]
[Earl Narrating] And in return for his sacrifice...
Randy got to marry the woman he loved.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
[Cheering]
You're a good friend.
[Earl Narrating] He thought about tellin'his new wife that he loved her...
but he didn't want to risk ruinin'his wedding day.
Thanks for lettin' me be the hero.
You've been the hero all along, Randy.
I was just gettin' in your way.
- [Yelps] - [Crowd Cheering]
That's so she doesn't get too full of herself.
Oh.
[Earl Narrating] Yep, it was a successful trip.
I was feelin'happy, and notjust 'cause of my airplane pills.
I was happy 'cause I helped bring Catalina back home...
and I helped get Randy closer to the woman he loved.
And I taught a bad guy about bein'good.
What happened? Who took your pants?
Oh, man, that's my thing.
It was the same bandidos who chopped off Mario's fingers.
- This time, they cut out his tongue. - Cut out your tongue?
[Garbled] I don't want to talk about it.
How dare they do this to my nephew in my village?
They said because they heard you were nice now, they could do as they please.
Did they? Okay, well, forget karma.
New rule: Do bad things, and Diego happens!
- Wolverines! - [Gunshots]
[Singer Laughing]